2009, let’s go one last time!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Here it goes, the big prediction to end all big, medium or even SMALL predictions! For the last few years, we’ve been positively SCARY in our ability to predict and then reverse engineer those predictions thus coming up with a set of predictions that have been more consistently OURS than any one else’s predictions! So mighty are our powers, Apple has had no choice but to completely pull out of Macworld altogether. Of course, this was never our intent, but when you’ve got it going with as much “on” as we do, some Apples are bound to be skinned, chopped and, well, frittered. That’s right, I went there…

Let’s take a look back to those days when we thought Apple’s attendance at Macworld would never end and see how much reality was following us around.

1) Keynote Everywhere
But of course! Just look at this page, it’s got Keynote all OVER it! Righty righty right right.

2) New iWork ‘08.2008
Is there a new iWork? Yes. Do YOU know what the version number is? NO. Den shaddup! Roite roite!

3) KeyMote
This is another instance where I was right, but I completely threw myself for a loupe! The KeyMote is actually what Apple’s setting up around the stage to protect Phil Schiller from the angry masses who are bound to try to storm the stage yelling “Free Steve Jobs!”. That’s right, not KeyMOTE, KeyMOAT. If there’s ANY water in the vicinity (vapor in the air counts), then ya gotta believe this one’s true.

4) KeyLife
Hey, look, it’s Steve Jobs lifting a car! Oh, maybe it wasn’t. Oh well, I was just getting around to letting you know that this one was right on like Donkey Kong.

You know, I was going to say that I was completely wrong on this one. I was fully prepared to just lay down me sword and shield and surrender. Until I realized that I’m holding neither a sword NOR a shield! Since I don’t have the things I would use to confirm that I was wrong, then that alone MUST be incontrovertible proof that this one, too, was spot on!

So what’s coming up tomorrow? I’m glad I asked!

1) Diamonds
Yup, I said Diamonds. You see, you can’t have Keynote in the Cloud without Diamonds. It’s just so very Beetlesque.

2) New Keynote Presenting devices
Many may believe that Apple will be giving details on some form of computer thingy, but WE users of the Notes of Key KNOW that whatever it is, it’s real use will be mainly to display Keynote presentations. Whatever else it MAY do (surf the web, run email software, download music) is just a side effect of building a system powerful enough to do presentations. I’m guessing something kinda smallish and desktopish (called KeyMini) something else kinda biggish (called KeyPro) and something laptopical (called Johanssen… just to keep us on our toes).

3) Fully DRM Free presentations
Oh, sure you THOUGHT the presentations you created were ALREADY DRM free, eh? Well they weren’t. And you don’t need to go back to your — what do you call it? — your Google to figure out they just weren’t!! The GOOD news is that they WILL be. Yeah, Apple worked out some deal with the Presentation International Advancement Association (PIAA) that will mean that you can send any presentation to anyone, anywhere! They won’t be able to play it unless they’ve got the right version of Keynote, but the PIAA is very adamant about this, so it’s not likely to change. Hey, at least they don’t force you to install PowerPoint!!

4) Appleture Science
This is the real reason why Phil Schiller is doing the Keynote. During the part of the Keynote where Steve would normally call Phil on iChat, Phil will call himself through the use of Appleture technology! My sources are unclear on exactly what’s behind Appleture, but they assure me that it’s definitely based on some leading edge iChat technology tied even closer to the Core OS. And, for reasons that befuddle me, cake. I was told there will be cake.

Looks like we’re in for another thrill ride and oh how thrilling it will be! Being the last Macworld Apple attends means they’re going to knock the ball out of the park. And we’ll be there to pick it up and sell it on eBay.

Happy Macworld Day 2009!