2008 and the store is down…

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Woooo, I’m clutting it this time (cutting it close, close cutting, clutting). I know that there were several… a few… possibly waiting in earnest to look at last year’s predictions to see how I did. And, then, using those same amazing powers of presentation precognition, let you know what’s coming is just a few short hours. As the headline says, the store is down and that is almost always indicative of… something! But, before we unwrap the golden wrapping on the mists of the future, let’s take a heady whiff of the fortuitous fruitcake of the past and see just how amazing I think I am.

1) Synked presentations!!
Oh, you need go no further than the Apple Discussions to find yards and yards of material about Keynote’s newfound abilities to not run. In some instances, usually revolving around the user gloating mightily to PowerPoint users right before the presentation, Keynote is able to completely shutdown your system when you press the play button! No weak little “oh my, your app has crashed, why don’tcha tell us about it” or a gray screen Kernel Panic. No, this is a full on restructuring of the molecules of Leopardium (which ships with every version of Keynote even if you’re running Tiger… rowr) which causes the insides of your computer to BLINK OUT OF EXISTENCE (which is what causes the crash)!! This one was SO right, I’m grafting on an extra thumb for the three thumbs up.

2) “Al Gore” mode.
There IS an Al Gore mode, but it’s not EXACTLY what my tea leaves divined. The Al Gore mode is actually a teeny tiny bit of a lesser vortex of Steve’s Reality Distortion Field that allows you to deal with the Inherent Inverse Realities of preparing a presentation on Global Warming when using two 30 inch monitors. This one gets the “right, but not in the way I expected” tag.

3) Price Break!
I believe the fact that not a single copy of iWork sold for $199.99 (well, maybe on eBay, but that really doesn’t count) through the Apple Store speaks for itself. Right as Right can be.

4) New LINK options
Except for a few minor details, this one was as on target as some fine Crossbow Training.

5) One more thing…
You know, you just can’t get all of them right EVERY time. Unless you’re me… and you’re making the rules… and you’ve got quite the little imagination going on there. This one is “right until proven even more right”.

You know, when I started this little exercise, I had no idea how wonderfully easy writing predictions are. Who knows, maybe next year, I’ll be a full fledged pundit or analyst… OH or an Analyzing Pundit!! And now without further more stuff, my predictions for Macworld 2008.

1) Keynote Everywhere
Apple will introduce a new initiative dubbed “Keynote Everywhere”. Due to the portable nature of Keynote’s XML format Apple has figured out how to create a KE (that’s Keynote Engine this time, they’re still working on the naming) for all of their products. It will be announced that every hardware product Apple produces will have a “KE” counterpart. For example the Apple TV will become Apple TVKE, the Mac Pro will become Mac Pro-KE and the iPod lineup will add a KeyPodE member. Even the Apple iPod headphones and cables are expected to be KE (that’s Keynote ENABLED this time, keep up…) but rumors are swirling that this may be just the same old cables with a new sticker and a higher price. Thus, KE (umm, which one is… oh nevermind) is poised to become the PlaysForSure of presentation software.
(This will of course not be available on Windows since Windows is not so much a “Where” but more of a “Why”)

2) New iWork ‘08.2008
Just because they are just the kind of crazy guys and gals to do this kind of thing, they’re going to re-introduce iWork alongside Office 2008 with the slight renaming to have more numbers after their product name than Microsoft’s. There was word of new features to be included, but a more smug source just said that they’re already so much better than Office, it’s not needed.

3) New Keynote remote – KeyMote
This one may not be announced at the show, but just a short trip to the Dashboard dictionary (or dictionary.com for those Dashboardless) to determine what the KeyMote is… the world’s tiniest Keynote remote control. No larger than 3 specks (that’s 1 fleck), Steve will be using this remote to control his presentation. Due to it’s small size, however, it will be housed within a somewhat larger “clicker” for ease of use. Word is that Apple is still trying to work on the ergonomics of the size, so it may not be ready for release, but, ever the trooper, Steve will use the KeyMote in every upcoming presentation.

4) New iLife integration, KeyLife
Engineers at Apple have been working long hours to bring this amazing app to fruition. Expected to be marketed as “Prozac for your Digital Life”, KeyLife will comb through your iPhoto, iMovie (isn’t the new version GREAT!!), and iTunes libraries and distill your life into a presentation. If it’s complex AlGore-rhythm can’t find enough interesting details that are “boom worthy”, Apple will tap into their vast repository of past Keynote’s and inject some where necessary. This will come free with all new products shipping staring, like, RIGHTNOW!

5) Something in the AIR? SURE there is. AIRNOTE
Ohh, all of those other sites are so so very wrong. With all the giddiness of a Giddy Goon, they’ve completely missed the point of the product. No, it’s not a new hardware device, it’s something much, much cooler… now let me describe it for you.

Using the latest in “Solid AIR”, “LASER”, and “Buzzwordriffic” technology, Apple has designed a device that will present your presentation where no presentation has been presented before… IN THE AIR! No more will you be constrained to boring flat surfaces. Make your presentation POP OUT at your audience with AIRNOTE. Use transitions that spin through the air whipping up gusts of understanding. Use builds SO REAL they’ll be pulling out their money to pay the contractor. And your text animations will come ALIVE and even sign autographs!!

So, you can see that while MacBookAir may be enough for those OTHER people, we’ll be waiting on the AIRNOTE Presentation Player: Live Engagement system from Apple.

Well, there you’ve gone and wasted another perfectly good few minutes or so reading through that-which-they-said-shouldn’t-be-written. But, since we’re a fun loving fly-in-the-face-of-those-things-people-fly-things-in-the-face-of kinda place, we went ahead and done it anyway. Not just because we can, but because we DID!

Happy Macworld Day 2008!